Everywhere or Nowhere #047
On being given an invitation you didn't ask for to transform yourself again.
Hi friends. I have to preface this post with, I’m currently grieving. And in a lot of pain. But if this even helps one person process a similar experience they might be going through, then that will be reason enough to type through the tears today.
For crying…
For dancing the tears away…
Without going into any specifics, I feel like I am once again being invited by a higher power to move into a new chapter in my life’s story. When something happens suddenly in your life, it can feel impossible in the first few moments, hours and days to know what to do. I used to really not know what to do, at all. I didn’t know how to properly care for myself, look inward, take accountability for my actions (and in-action), deal with my emotions safely, the list goes on. I would just shut down. But I am standing here today, from hitting rock bottom a few years ago, because I taught myself from the ground up, how to deal with life’s hardest things. And today I am here to remind you, that you can too.
It would be easy to look our grief in the face and let it swallow you whole and I did yesterday. I was sitting on a plane in the dreaded middle seat and just stared at a black tv screen for every moment of my flight. No headphones, no food, no water, nothing. I just let the pain wash over me. I don’t think I have ever done that in my life and I am sure made for interesting observation of the crying woman in seat 10B. Afterwards, I de-boarded, cried again in the bathroom, then walked silently to my car in the parking garage, drove two hours home, walked into a dark, empty house and fell apart all over again. I slept 30 minutes last night. I laid awake just listening to the worst air conditioning sound in the world, going over so much in my head that has been left unsaid, feeling so incredibly alone. But at the same time every hour, reminding myself gently out loud that I will smile again.
I spent the morning feeling sorry for myself. I wallowed, cried, went outside to get some sunshine, talked to a couple close people and at some point in those conversations, and answering work emails best I could, I decided to give myself grace and compassion this weekend. To not make an real decisions about what to do now, only a promise to myself to do better, to take care of myself and let this moment of heartbreak lead me into the next lesson I’m supposed to learn. Because if we don’t, I’m not sure it means we are listening hard enough to our worth and what a gift each of us are, no matter what the past has tried to tell us otherwise.
Last week I talked about the difference between knowing your worth and actually living in it and I have to admit, I re-read it a few times this morning while everything was feeling heavy. The pain I am currently feeling has my mind all over the place, racing, sweating, replaying so many moments over and over again. But mostly just feeling a pit in my stomach of pure sadness. And I know that it won’t go away anytime soon.
I have a quote saved on my phone right now, it reads, “One of the most important qualities to develop in life is determination. At some point you have to put down your foot and say… I am going to move in this new direction and no person or situation is going to stop me.”
I wish it wasn’t grief pushing me forward. I wish I didn’t have to feel this much pain right now to remind me of my own determination. There is so much I could have said or done sooner, but I’m determined to do the work of whatever comes next. because great transformations need a beginning. And I’m using today as mine.
I hope whatever you might also be going through, you can slow down in between the insomnia and tears and heartache to try to turn it into overflow for yourself. For abundance and light. For a new you who turned grief into a next lesson to be learned.
Thank you for being here
xx Amanda
Love you!!!!