Everywhere or Nowhere #046
On the difference between knowing your worth and actually living in it.
Hi my loves, currently listening to…
How are you all? I got back this week from a beautiful, sun-filled few days in the Dominican Republic at Casa de Campo with one of my dear friends (hi Yas!) and her daughter, and of course my G. When she asked me if we could make the trip with them, I was originally hesitant to give a firm yes. I have gotten so used to the inner dialogue of excuses in my head… “Amanda, you are a part-time solo mom, you have no alimony or child support, you can’t afford this. You save, but this is not what it’s for. There will be another opportunity one day. You may have to move again soon and those costs will add up. You are still paying off credit card debt from your divorce. You have summer camp to pay for. What about retirement savings? What will your mom think?”
And then I went outside in my backyard and screamed at myself for questioning my worth yet again. And promised myself then and there, I would never do it again.
I spent the better part of 30+ years thinking I owed something to everyone around me. My parents, my friends, teachers, bosses, the universe, the list goes on. I was the ultimate people pleasing child, which drove me to be an introvert, who then disguised her deep depression by trying to be a fun extrovert, which led to addictive tendencies and more people pleasing on top, to make up for it all. The carousel goes round and round from there. The feeling of living on a merry-go-round for so many years, I would not recommend.
I’m not exactly sure when I started to realize how bad my self-esteem was, but I want to say it was around age 12. Probably before. I just knew that I didn’t fit in at all with most of the other kids. I was so emotional and sensitive. When one of our cats ran away and never came back, I listened to Celine Dion’s “Falling into you” CD on my bright yellow walkman on repeat for days, waiting by the window for her to come back. Everything felt so heavy, all the time. Sometimes my “not fitting in” was mistaken for being educationally gifted. But I never believed at all that I was the smartest person in the room, just maybe the most hardworking. I felt like I had something to prove.
I was talking to a new mom friend I met at G’s school a few weeks back over coffee and she asked me point blank why I was volunteering for so many things at once… school PTSO, soccer, town fundraising, the list goes on. And my immediate answer was, “well I want to fit in here, like I did in NYC.” And I instantly felt regret in my response.
For a long time, I thought that because I got divorced, had a mental breakdown, went to treatment, lost countless friends, walked away from my career, moved out of NYC and had to figure it all out alone in a span of less than 3 years, that I was no longer worthy of anything. Not love or forgiveness or grace or second chances. When you make so many wrong turns in succession, your worth (and world) turns completely upside down. Even writing these words feels very heavy. It has been nothing less than a devastating few years. But I am here to remind you that you are worthy of everything.
When I stepped off the plane last week in the DR, the worries swirling in my brain again of credit card limits and judgement for taking time for myself and my son when I could be working… were suddenly met with laughter. With sunshine. With fun. With cannonballs in the pool. With endless games of Guess Who. With instant reminders that everyone deserves a break. That I work long hours for these moments. That I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. That the real proof in my worth is the life I have been able to lead, despite everything.
My question for you is, do you remember what you are living for? Because I do.
I am just so glad you are here,
xx Amanda