Everywhere or Nowhere #031
On manifesting your next chapter and leaving NYC.
Hi friends, Happy Monday. Currently on repeat… you’re welcome, can’t stop listening.
In the past week, I have had some of the hardest conversations I have had in a long time. I have had to tell my inner circle, including my family and son, that we are moving out of NYC. And that it’s happening very soon.
!!!
But as I ripped off the bandaid each time, replaying the speech I had meticulously rehearsed the entire walk, subway or car ride there, I was met with raw emotion, love, praise and understanding. In a way I wasn’t expecting. But should have, knowing these people. Trusting their belief in our relationships, no matter the distance. For trusting in me. In our collective life journeys. And this is where this post begins.
It’s May 2009. I had graduated from college, got engaged to my college boyfriend, had an amazing summer marketing job and felt like I was on the top of the world. Boy did I “have it all at 21.” But a fire was burning in me that something wasn’t right. It would take me another 2 months to understand that it was my gut telling me this was not my journey. And against my better judgement at the time, I tried to ignore it. I went through the motions, but by October I was drowning in despair, daydreaming about a different life. How unfair to this person I loved. How unfair to me.
November 2nd, I couldn’t sleep at all. Wide awake. Around 4:45am I got into my car and drove to Ocean Beach in San Diego. Tears streaming down my face, I sort of surrendered to the universe to please tell me what I was supposed to do. I was begging for answers. An answer that would simultaneously transport me to where I was supposed to be without disappointing my family and loved ones in the process. I laid in that sand for 2 hours before I could really move. Dogs and beachgoers starting to walk by, I’m sure amused by me laying without a towel, in the sand, in my pajamas. And the moment I sat up, a friend from college had texted me “I’m going to New York in two weeks for vacation, do you want to come with?” Game over. 6 weeks later I sold everything, broke off my engagement and was living with a roommate in the East Village I met on craigslist, bartending by night, interning by day, working at Bloomingdales on the weekends in Soho to make ends meet.
I say all this because I know moving to New York City back then was 100% without a doubt my journey. I talk a lot about the chapters of our lives in a post I did last year, here. But if there is anything I have learned more in these past 3 years post-divorce, career burn out and mental collapse, it is to trust three things: your gut, your emotional intuition (this one can trick you) and the universe. That day will forever be incapsulated in my mind: November 2, 2009. I think it is why I love spending so much time in Montauk on my favorite bench at Shadmoor overlooking the ocean as the sun rises. It is a sign of not only bravely waking up to face a new day, but the universe staring you right in the face, leading you to where you should be. It means truly letting go of the pressures and fear that hold us all back from leaping forward.
I have felt versions of that life-changing moment throughout the past few years in different ways, but never as strongly as I feel it now. Which means: this is right.
I would like to think that most of my big life decisions have been slow burns, with the exception of the above. I weigh the options, both physically, emotionally, practically and financially. I am not one to jump to conclusions anymore. I have done so much self-reflection and self-work that I am not even sure how to make an irrational decision anymore if I tried (ha). So one morning when I woke up with a burning desire to finally listen to my inner voice, I did. And in a 1 hour walk alongside the west side highway followed by laying on the floor of my apartment in the dark with candles, I manifested that my next chapter of life was to be spent outside of NYC, my home and identity for the past 15 years.
So, I called my co-parent and we had a very long conversation over the next many weeks and came to the conclusion together, as a modern family, that we were doing this. I call this out, because I don’t have the luxury of being selfish anymore. The moment Grayson was born, we were a forever family, no matter what. Some people don’t understand this. And it’s ok. Not every situation is like ours. And it’s ok. Because it is what works for us. And that’s OK.
I share all of this for two reasons. 1. I am proud of myself, as all of us should be, for doing what I want and is necessary for me, despite it being incredibly hard and making other people hurt, questioning, judging and weighing in. For leaving behind the only life I have known since I was 22 years old. My security blanket of NYC. But nothing worth doing was ever meant to be easy. And that saying holds so much truth when you make such a heavy decision like this. 2. Because I know this will resonate with all of you, anyone who is contemplating anything that feels insurmountable. A career change, a relationship change, a health problem, a mental health spiral, a family disagreement, anything. We have to trust in ourselves and our ability to know what’s next and what’s right. And you know what? It may not work. We may fail. But we do it despite that. We have to.
I always thought trusting in the universe was a way for people to let go of the control over their lives. I had no idea how to do that. And I still struggle day in and day out to not control every tiny moment, weighing every possible false scenario that lies ahead. It is like I am trying to be a fortune teller with no skills or ability to actually do the job. But lying on that beach so many years ago, I remind myself now, I did surrender. I did trust in myself and my ability to change everything. I let go for just a moment. And it has led me to the most beautiful life. I don’t regret much knowing how much I have and mostly, how much I have found myself.
There is so much more to say, but to all who I have touched and crossed paths with, thank you. Everything that went right and especially everything that went wrong, led me to here. Trust in your path to show you the way through. I believe in you.
It is certainly never goodbye forever NYC, more of a see you later. But for now, I can’t wait for this next chapter to begin in Rhinebeck, NY.
Thanks so much for being here.
xx Amanda